I recently received a late-night text from a single mom friend of mine. She said she needed some advice. Her last child became an adult and moved out, so she started dating again. After failed attempts at finding love through popular dating apps, she was excited to finally find a man in her real-life community with whom she shared chemistry and common friends. Things are moving along — they see each other daily. They laugh, shop, cook and even have taken naps together on the couch.
My friend was feeling like it was time to get intimate, but he’s turned down her not-so-subtle hints to move beyond kissing, which they both seem to enjoy. She became confused as after kissing, he’d flashed an erection, but then put it away quickly. He also seems to mention often that he’d been a great lover in the past. And he claims that if they have sex, then things “will go wrong.” When she asked him why, he just said “trust me.”
I felt something must be going on, so I suggested that it could be erectile dysfunction (ED). Whether or not that is the case, my suspicions are in no way far-fetched. A recent study published by the journal Sexual Medicine estimated that about 10.3 million men ages 18-64 in the U.S. were diagnosed with ED. It can happen at any age and it’s more common than you think, especially with age. Also, in our community, ED is associated with health disparities such as diabetes, poor cardiovascular health and a lack of exercise.
Whether you’re casually dating or in a long-term relationship, ED can negatively affect intimate relationships, communication, quality of life and the self-esteem of both partners. But just because someone has trouble getting or keeping an erection doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a cause for concern. It can just be a temporary situation.
Whatever the case is with the brother my friend is seeing, I’d realized that I was out of my league in the advice department. With my friend’s permission, I thought I’d tap a few Black women sexologists to figure out what this sister should do. How does someone even begin to approach this situation.
The idea of bringing up ED with a partner who may be experiencing it might feel incredibly personal and awkward, no matter how close you are.
Our culture still faces challenges when it comes to openly talking about sex, says Dr. Perquida Payne, DSW-LMSW-sexologist and founder of Queen Poise, which offers love, relationship and sexuality coaching for couples.
“Unfortunately, the way some people are socialized can make discussing pleasure, body challenges or desire difficult,” says Tanya M. Bass, Ph.D., M.S., M.E.d, CHES®, CSE and founder of the North Carolina Sexual Health Conference.
Some women prefer not to talk about sex due to fear, shame or embarrassment, not even to their doctors. This hesitance to talk is real for men as well because of cultural issues like toxic masculinity, where some men have been taught that showing emotions, vulnerability and revealing problems such as sexual dysfunction can be a knock to their masculinity.
“Because men watch porn and OnlyFans and they feel intimated by the performance, and so everyone is on mad pills. If you can’t perform, you feel horrible. Women will make you feel like sh**t,” explains a Black male, 45, who asked to remain anonymous. “If you’re insecure then it can make you feel insignificant in that area. Look at the alternative. You feel threatened by other men; women will feel empowered like, ‘I’ll get me a vibrator.’”
These feelings and fears are very real. If we can work through these emotions together, and learn to have real talk without the stigma, shame and embarrassment, everyone benefits.
“Having these honest conversations require trust, vulnerability and risk-taking. These characteristics are all worth the improvement of the physical relationship but can also increase overall intimacy,” says Dr. Bass.
So know that we know why it’s important to talk. Here’s how to get that conversation started:
How to broach the subject
·Create a safe space.
Don’t expect him to talk unless he feels safe. Building a space where he feels safe sharing is really important. A lot of men, for various reasons, don’t share their feelings or vulnerabilities because they fear being made fun of or rejected. It’s important to approach sensitive issues from an empathetic place when navigating the relationship and what some of the barriers may be. Dr. Payne suggests that it may be helpful to start with something like:
“I’m really interested in you and I’d actually like to know what’s going on. I’d like you to know that I want to build with you.”
· Don’t beat around the bush.
“Direct communication is best in most relationships,” says Dr. Bass, who suggests starting a conversation in the form of gentle probing with empathy, while being supportive. You might introduce the conversation as important for both partners’ sexual and relationship needs by saying:
“I would like to be physically intimate with you. I sense some apprehensiveness. How do you feel about us becoming more physical?”
· Don’t leave things to the imagination.
In the famous words of James Baldwin: “Not everything that is faced can be changed; but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”
As difficult as it may be to start a conversation, being secretive, avoiding the subject and doing guess work is never a good idea as imaginations can run wild. “Communication can allow partners to express their desires and needs and strategies to compromise and/or meet their needs directly,” says Dr. Bass.
“The relationship and intimacy can be drastically impacted if this is ignored. Both partners can lose out on physical satisfaction and pleasure with one another if communication is not improved. Having honest conversations require trust, vulnerability and risk-taking. These characteristics are all worth the improvement of the physical relationship but can also increase overall intimacy,” says Dr. Bass.