There was a time when my children routinely followed me onto the screen each time I had a work-related video meeting. And my “apology” would soon follow, despite my ability to meaningfully contribute. This continued for five years, until both my children were in full-day school. One day, I had a virtual meeting with a father whose daughter kept appearing on screen. He never apologized for it. Nor should he. Like me, he was still getting the job done, and his child’s cameo didn’t stop it.
That’s when I realized I was doing myself a disservice by downplaying my efforts with each apology. It was all for the sake of being likable and protecting my image. This is not just something many women do at work; it can show up when we’re chairing the usher board, organizing the family reunion, serving on a committee, advocating for a loved one with health care providers or trying to make a simple request without sounding like a problem.
Who could blame me? Likability is an asset in the workplace, often dictating raises, project leaders and promotions. When 300,000 Black women were pushed out of their jobs within the last year, it became clear that Black women are far from safe, even if they are good at the job. Beyond that, frequent microaggressions can lead to worries about being seen as a threat.
The result? Feeling compelled to downplay our knowledge, avoid confrontations and sugarcoat messaging for the sake of protecting jobs, peace and reputation. But when social skills are considered a valuable asset and appearing capable is a key distinction, sheepish communication can be a setback when making moves.
I came to this lesson by reading widely, asking experts better questions and listening closely, as an interviewer, to people who carry authority in boardrooms, creative fields, community spaces and everyday life. Over time, I started noticing how often confidence showed up in the smallest language choices.
Small swaps, stronger presence
Now may be a good time for you to consider how your communication can better reflect your dynamic presence. These ideas offer a starting point as you practice speaking with more confidence and power, wherever your voice matters.
Resist saying: “This is silly, but…”
Raise your hand if you’re guilty of downplaying your excellence with one of these qualifiers: “Does that make sense?” “In my opinion…” “I think maybe…” or “This is silly, but…”
Well, if you’re trying to level up in your career or, at the very least, keep your job, you need to stop that immediately. Each of those statements welcomes uncertainty and gives people a reason to question your competency. Meanwhile, we aren’t just competent. We are highly qualified, exemplifying emotional intelligence alongside agility — thanks in part to constant reminders that we need to be twice as good and work twice as hard.
You shouldn’t be the one to devalue your messaging and presence, explains Ashley Rudolph, a performance coach who works with high-achieving professionals and previously held leadership roles in tech. The absence of conviction can undermine the message, your authority and the impact of the point you are trying to make. That’s not exactly beneficial, considering 50% of women report being spoken over, and 20% are mistaken for someone at a lower level, according to a 2025 McKinsey & Company study.
Consider saying instead: “Based on my experience…”
Swap those phrases out with ones that make your credibility undeniable, such as “It’s recommended…” “Based on my experience…” and “Should I elaborate further?”
Consider it a healthy sprinkle of authority. “Otherwise, it comes across as not being able to make my points and relying on someone else for confirmation,” says Rudolph.
