One of the best ways to achieve something is to learn from those already doing it. So if you want a healthy, loving relationship, look to the folks who already have it: happy couples. While you could ask couples you know who seem happy, remember, just because something looks a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true. A better bet is to turn to couples therapists. They have an outside perspective and see the good, the bad and the downright ugly in relationships. We asked them to share the habits they observe in the happiest couples. Try these tips. They will improve your love life.
Their fights are healthier. Yes, happy couples fight like any other couple. The difference is they don’t let things get so out of hand that they’re taking low blows, calling each other names or engaging in other disrespectful behavior, says QuaVaundra Perry, Ph.D., a board-certified psychologist who specializes in couples and family psychology at Perry Psychological & Consultation Services in Dallas. “Happy couples are able to talk about whatever the subject is, learn from each other’s perspective and not let the fight color the entirety of their relationship,” she says.
They trust each other. People in healthy relationships don’t worry themselves sick about what their partner does when they’re not around. They establish boundaries and then trust, not blindly, but within reason, says Cherrelle Shorter, L.C.S.W., a licensed therapist at Therapy Juice Bar, a virtual therapy service for Mississippi, Arkansas and Alabama residents. “It’s about having faith that your partner will ultimately conduct themselves in a way that makes you feel proud and won’t have you out here looking like a fool,” Shorter says.
They communicate honestly. “Happy couples are honest in their communication and make space for even hard conversations,” says Kasey King, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Lavender Healing Center in Fort Worth, Texas. They navigate tough topics in a kind, respectful and constructive way. Also, “They’re okay with being vulnerable because they have trust in the way their partner will respond,” King says.
They say “I’m sorry.” People in even the best unions mess up sometimes. However, they apologize and have no problem holding themselves accountable, King says, which is why their slipups don’t sour the relationship.
They’re tuned in to each other’s love language. King says many folks give love the way they like to give (and receive) it. However, people feel loved in different ways. In great relationships, couples learn each other’s love language and love the partner the way they prefer, King says.
They compliment each other. The happiest couples verbalize the good in each other, Dr. Perry says. “You’re so great at …” or “Thank you so much for …” goes a long way. Complimenting one another reinforces the positive behaviors, Dr. Perry says. Plus, research shows people who feel appreciated by their partner are more appreciative of their partner.