If you’ve been following the news lately, you likely have heard at least a little about the T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach situation. Long story short: The two allegedly have had a relationship going on, despite the fact that both of them are married.
After the revelation, Holmes filed for divorce from Marilee Fiebig, his wife of nearly 13 years. Although many people were surprised, others perceived red flags.
Take, for instance, this social media post Holmes dedicated to Fiebig in March 2020 for their 10-year anniversary. In part, it read:
“This particular #decadechallenge is a little late, but ... 10 years ago, Marilee Fiebig married me. And despite my best efforts, she remained married to me the past 10 years. That’s not hyperbole. I’m not being dramatic. I gave her plenty of reasons, excuses, and opportunities to walk her fine ass out the doooooooor. But instead, with her built-in black woman superpower, she showed a grace and patience that’s incomprehensible. Asking her for another 10 years would be asking too much. Another 10 months? That may even be a stretch. If she gave me another 10 weeks, I should consider myself lucky.”
You’re probably wondering what’s so bad about that, right? Well, although we don’t know if his intentions were benign or malicious, Holmes appeared to many to be doing what’s known as negging.
He’s hyping her up with the whole “black woman superpower” bit and how lucky he is she’s in his life, but he’s also pointing out to her (and the world) that he’s put her through tons of crap that she should’ve dumped him for way back then. Not a good look.
Negging can occur during flirting, on dates, in relationships and, as the Holmes example shows, even in marriages.
“Negging, a more modern term for a backhanded compliment, is meant to tear you down, make you question yourself or see the person who’s giving the backhanded compliment in a better light,” says QuaVaundra Perry, Ph.D., a board-certified psychologist at Perry Psychological & Consultation Services, PLLC, in Dallas.
Negging can occur during flirting, on dates, in relationships and, as the Holmes example shows, even in marriages. The point of it? To make you question your value, control you, get you to sleep with the person or think they’re such a good catch that you’re willing to jump through hoops to win their approval. Some folks will neg you to knock you down a notch if they think you’re out of their league.
We’ve seen similar behavior before. Remember last summer’s social media brouhaha after a Nigerian guy named Solomon Buchi went viral for his so-called love letter to his fiancée. Why? Well, here’s how it began:
“You’re not the most beautiful woman; neither are you the most intelligent woman, but I’ve chosen to never find perfection in anyone else.”
What the fudge?