If you’re single (or even if you have a significant other), you’ve likely heard at least a little something about attachment styles. The attachment theory, first developed in the 1950s by psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby, is the concept that the way we connect with our primary caregivers as very young children directly influences how we interact with others throughout life.
The nature of these early connections is especially important when dating. “Your attachment style affects how you select your partner, how well you progress in a relationship, and even how it ends,” says Joanne Frederick, Ed.D., a licensed professional mental health counselor at JFL & Associates Counseling Services in Washington, D.C., and author of Copeology.
The good news for those of us who are 40-plus is that we have lived and loved. And reflecting on past experiences can help us be self-aware and make choices that bring happiness. By understanding how and why you think and behave the way you do in romantic situations, you can take steps to have healthier and more satisfying relationships.
Attachment styles, explained simply
There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant. Here’s how they form and are thought to play out later in romantic relationships:
Secure
In childhood: Parents were consistently available and provided ample amounts of emotional support.
In relationships: People with this attachment style tend to be warm and loving. “This individual is confident and secure in her own skin, doesn’t need constant companionship and meets her own needs,” Dr. Frederick says. If you’re secure attached, you’re able to communicate your needs and feelings effectively and respond to your partner’s needs and wants. “Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships,” Dr. Frederick says.
Anxious
In childhood: The primary caregiver was inconsistent — providing enough attention and support sometimes, but not always.
In relationships: Anxious-attached people fear they’ll be abandoned, which causes insecurity in relationships. “They are clingy, need constant reassurance from their partner and have difficulty understanding boundaries,” Dr. Frederick says. Anxious people may get attached too quickly, be jealous and be overly accommodating to their person’s needs (at the expense of their own). They also let little things cause them to behave in ways they regret later. Think blowing up and saying you’re done when you don’t really mean it.
Avoidant
In childhood: Parents may not always have been present for you or didn’t provide enough emotional support.
In relationships: People with an avoidant attachment feel they can’t depend on others, so they’re usually super independent and self-sufficient. Avoidant folks want to have intimate relationships, but they’re emotionally distant, don’t like to share their feelings and withdraw when someone gets too close. If you’re avoidant, you probably have a strong cutoff game. Since avoidants are uncomfortable dealing with the emotional stuff, they may end things by ghosting people.