Lillian thought Kenneth was the man of her dreams when they met. He lavished her with gifts, took her to nice restaurants, checked in on her throughout the day and seemed interested in every detail of her life. The attention was intoxicating at first and she took it as a sign of his deep devotion. But over the course of their relationship, it morphed into something more stifling and Lillian began to feel constrained.
When we think of controlling people, images of a raging bully snapping orders come to mind. That may be the case, but domineering people can also be soft-spoken, convivial, God-fearing, intellectual or possess other traits that make them appear amiable. Their need for control is usually rooted in feelings of insecurity.
“There is usually something wrong going on with this type of person and they feel like they don’t have control over other parts of their life,” says Joyce Morley, an Atlanta-based psychotherapist who specializes in couples’ therapy. “They feel like to get what they need they have to control their partner, regardless of how it impacts that partner.”
Some degree of give and take is normal in relationships, but if your significant other overreaches in ways that impede your freedom or make you feel threatened, that could be a sign of trouble or even danger. Are you in a controlling relationship? Here are some things to look for:
Your partner is the decider-in-chief. No matter is too large or small for this type of person to exert their dominance, and they want their partner to fall in line accordingly. Whether it’s deciding on a major household appliance, choosing a hotel or determining how you wear your hair, they get the final say.
Family and friends are banned. Isolating a partner from the people they are close to is a classic controller move. Lots of times it starts off subtly — maybe they criticize your friends or accuse you of spending too much time with a relative — but eventually, it progresses to demanding that you cut ties with loved ones in an effort to undermine your support system.
It’s always your fault. Your partner didn’t get a promotion at work because you’re not supportive enough. They are late for appointments because you don’t remind them. They couldn’t eat dinner on time because you got home late. Rather than take responsibility for their own mistakes, shortcomings or unforeseen circumstances, a controller plays the victim by constantly blaming you.
Arguing is routine. Disagreements rarely get resolved because your lover would rather fuss than work through conflict rationally. Being with a person who argues all the time can make you feel like you’re perpetually walking on eggshells. It is draining and you never win. Throwing in the towel may seem like the only option.