If you’re like most people, your go-to greeting when meeting someone new or seeing someone you haven’t seen in a while is likely “how are you?” But if you think about it, that question is a conversation stopper. I mean, how can a person really respond to it other than “I’m good” or “Fine”? It’s more of a routine nicety rather than a true question.
Shuntai Allen-Bey, a licensed professional counselor who serves Michigan and several other states, says the problem with “how are you” is that it’s all habit. “People ask ‘how are you’ on autopilot, and people respond on autopilot with, ‘Oh, I’m fine, even if they aren’t,’” she says.
Asking something different can open the door for more interesting and meaningful conversations. If you want to move beyond the generic “how are you? I’m fine” script, try one of these questions instead.
1. “What kind of day are you having?”
The wording here feels lighter and less like you’re asking how everything — health, family, work, finances — is going in their life. It asks from a different angle, so people are more likely to be honest and open, Allen-Bey says.
2. “What made you smile today?”
Asking this question will likely make someone think and respond positively. “If not, at least the person’s going to tell you truly how they feel,” says Allen-Bey. If they say nothing made them smile, you could ask, “Why is that? Tell me about your day.” But the expert warns: it’s not up to you to fix their day or make them smile.
3. “Hey, what’s your theme song for today?”
Here’s one that my music-loving neighbor asks. It threw me the first time, but now I love it. This question lets people express themselves with a little more flavor, not just “happy,” “bummed,” or “okay.” If my confidence is super high, I might say my song is “Ego” by Beyoncé. I’ve also had days where my answer was “No More Drama” by Mary J. Blige. Our song choices usually lead to a quick chat about why we picked them.