A Girlfriend's Loved One Passed Away. Here's What (Not) to Say

In actuality, it’s what we do in the time since the grief event that makes the impact on our healing journey. It’s the difference between staring blankly at a wall for 20 minutes compared to intentionally taking deep breaths, embracing conscious awareness, and choosing to expand our capacity to move through our feelings.

“You have to be strong for your kids/family/work.”

Telling your friend she has to be strong actually perpetuates the narrative that we, Black women, must put our feelings aside for the care of others. That martyrdom is supreme. It places our emotional needs last, allowing us to lift others at a time when we need a soft, safe, and protected place to fall apart with the ugly cry and wailing that releases some of that pain. It also implies that grieving is a sign of weakness, when in reality, navigating grief can be an act of bravery.

“You can always have another child/partner/job.”

A well-meaning response, but one that also minimizes the uniqueness, specialness, or even sacredness of the loss. Children, for example, cannot replace each other; each comes with their own heart, soul, and relationship to their family.

And the repeat offender: “Everything happens for a reason.”

Meaning-making, while one of the fundamental aspects of grief processing, is as individual as the person’s relationship with the event. It only comes after time spent in deep, honoring reflection, emotional expression, and acceptance. This statement bypasses that important work and leaves no space for the alchemizing power of grief.

Say this: Little phrases, big comfort

As someone who has been a companion of grief both personally and professionally, I now embody the wisdom my mother often shared with me to be mindful of my words because they have the power to hurt or heal, to tear down or build up, to cause a broken heart or mend one. And as a grieving daughter, now a grieving orphan, that wisdom has followed me to the present day.

From my lived experience and professional roles, I’ve come to realize that while nothing you say can erase the pain of loss, it can nonetheless be a balm. It can bring comfort to an impossibly uncomfortable situation, and it can certainly demonstrate your commitment to caring for the person who is grieving.

The following are five helpful things to say when connecting with someone experiencing grief. They can be tailored based on the circumstances of the friend you’re speaking to (for example, the death of their loved one, divorce, job loss, or being an empty nester) and personalized to be an authentic bridge of connection.

No expectations

“Sending you my love right now. There’s no expectation to reply, just know that I’m here if you want to connect.”

Simple. Direct. And releases her from the burden of feeling like she has to respond to the 100th text message she’s received after the 100th phone call she had to return in the hours, days, and even months following her loved one’s death. When we’re grieving, our mind is either going a million miles a minute, foggy, or we’re on autopilot. We simply do not have it in us to reply or even answer the calls sometimes.

According to an article from The American Brain Foundation and a webinar with Dr. Lisa Shulman, author of Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective of Loss, Grief, and our Brain, grief and loss can lead to a host of physical and mental health issues, including brain fog, sleep disturbance, and changes in memory and behavior. Take expectation off her plate, and you will have already contributed much toward her peace.

Relate

“I can’t imagine what you’re experiencing, but I’m here to listen.”

As we age, there are common grief events that many will experience: divorce, death of a loved one, a career pivot, or a medical crisis, to name a few. And while grief is a universal right of passage, how we experience, understand, and hold grief in our bodies is unique to us and our ways of navigating the world. By proclaiming your presence, you invite your friend to open up, share her unique experience with grief, and avoid comparing your grief with hers. So, accept that even if you had the same parent/best friend/medical diagnosis/divorce or other loss, your experience is not theirs and vice versa.

The choice is yours

“What would feel most supportive to you now: me coming to do your laundry and cleaning up, doing a grocery store run for you, or texting you once a week to check in?”

This sort of ‘choose your own adventure’ support provides an opportunity to tune into her needs and find a way to address them without her doing any mental or emotional labor. When grieving, quite frankly, one does not always have the capacity to do this. Also, consider the unique activities or joys you bring to her life. I’d bet they sure could use a dose of that special medicine only you can get to her heart.

I have a girlfriend who has a voice like an angel. I asked her to call and leave me a voicemail of her singing to me, so that when the mood struck, I could play it over and over again and receive that soothing lullaby comfort only she could bring to me. And trust me when I say that, at 2 am, when the house was quiet and I didn’t feel like talking, listening to her recorded song allowed me to wake up for just one more day, in acceptance of my motherless state. Indeed, this offering honored and named the agency that I still had when the world felt out of control to me.

Sister check-in

“Hey sis! Where are you now with the divorce being final?”

When we are grieving, our existence becomes divided into two distinct periods: life before the event and life after. This division informs our experience with the old version of us that included marriage, a tenured career, or a cancer-free status. Sometimes, without fair warning, we are thrust into this post-grief phase that shapes who we are becoming, rather than who we were. Asking this open-ended question will anchor her in the present moment, ground her in awareness of her current position in the timeline, and allow her to begin making sense of the reality of what is.

Food’s here!

“You hungry? I’m headed to/making (insert their favorite food and/or restaurant here) and can drop something off at your doorstep. What day or time works best to deliver it?”

Food? YES, please. This is one of a few things most folks get right out of the gate. With the constant decision-making, planning, and organizing that one has to do while grieving, food sometimes becomes a passive act, rather than an intentional one. Offering your friend a meal is an easy way to provide both emotional and physical nourishment. Like the repast, the meal can serve as an opportunity to pause, reflect, and remember that food is healing.

Also, being explicit in saying you’ll just drop it off on her doorstep removes the pressure of having to entertain or even engage with people on those days when she wants to be alone, and have a break from the never-ending to-do list most grief events come with.

While simple, these open-ended questions and statements allow you to truly witness and hold space for their grief in a non-judgmental and supportive way. They remove platitudes and replace them with authentic curiosity, which helps the bereaved to process their pain and alchemize their grief in a healthy and grounded way.

These outcomes are supportive actions explored in a 2021 article published in the PLOS ONE Journal for the National Library of Medicine, and include focusing on the needs of the griever. By giving our pain a platform, you show us grievers that our pain matters. That our loved ones are not forgotten, and perhaps most importantly, that you are not scared off by the pain we’re experiencing. In so doing, you’ve given us the greatest gift: the gift of being witnessed.

What words brought you peace during a time of loss, such as a death, layoff or divorce? Share your thoughts in the comments below.