Yes, Even During Periods of Havoc, We Can Claim Happiness

When I felt like my life was racing out of control, three things became the pit stops that refueled my peace.

By

Shanna B. Tiayon

 
Published September 04, 2024

What will be your "happiness anchor" for today? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

I glance in my rearview mirror to look at my 8-year-old daughter in the back seat. As I raise my gaze, I see flashing yellow and orange tow truck lights barreling towards us – I brace for impact because it’s clear whoever is driving has no intention of stopping. My car spins around as the truck pushes us into incoming traffic. I look to my right, just in time to see a red car coming towards us from the opposite direction, unable to stop; I brace for the second impact. My daughter and I were coming back from her swim lessons; in the wrong place at the wrong time. The driver of the stolen tow truck was fleeing from the police and we happened to be in the way, caught in the middle of a high speed police chase.

We walked away from the accident, but my car was totaled, and the trauma of the accident lingered. I also had to navigate a hefty dose of administrative run around with the insurance company afterwards. I felt anxious every time I saw my insurance company’s number on my phone, because of how convoluted the total loss process was. In the midst of dealing with the car issue our adult daughter moved back home abruptly, causing major shifts in our family’s routines, schedules and dynamics.

Is happiness possible when life starts life’ing?

Thinking recently about this period of my life I started to wonder is it possible to experience happiness in the midst of challenges? Are we able to access a space of contentment, even when it feels like things are falling apart?

For many of us when we hear the word happy or happiness we think about the extremes of the emotion, for example the happiness you might feel when going to Disney World or winning the lottery. But emotions aren’t fixed in their magnitude, they operate on a continuum. If winning the lottery is on one end of the continuum, then enjoying a clear blue sky might be on the other. The question is can we find ourselves on this continuum while we are dealing with challenges?

I reached out to my dear friend Joey from grad school, he’s a practitioner of yoga, reiki and other Eastern modalities. I needed help, because none of my coping mechanisms, such as walking, bubble baths and journaling, were helping me to effectively manage the stress. He offered me a mantra to reflect on, “All is well. Everything is working out for my highest good. Only good will come of this situation. I am safe.” The mantra encouraged me to look at my life globally, not fixate on one moment or aspect and focus on the present.

Even when we are in the midst of challenges there is usually something to anchor our happiness on.

I wrote the mantra down. Hung it near my desk. Said it in the mornings during my quiet time. At the height of my stress response to everything that was going on the mantra brought little comfort, I stuck with it. But eventually after a few days, it helped to interrupt the stress response I seemed to wake up with first thing, every morning. As the stress subsided, my perspective started to shift, and I was able to experience pitstops on the continuum of happiness that the mantra helped me access.

Even when we are in the midst of challenges there is usually something to anchor our happiness on.

Here were my anchors

Gratitude

Gratitude is the state of being thankful or appreciative. I was not only grateful that we were alive, but during this period I frequently reflected on the bravery of my 8-year old daughter during a really scary time. Immediately after impact I was in a bit of a daze, but she instinctively offered words of comfort like, “We are Ok”, “Everything is going to be OK’, “Mommy it’s not your fault”. While I hate that she had to experience this, I was so grateful for the confirmation of the wonderful human my husband and I are raising. The days after the accident I kept a watchful eye over her, to make sure she was OK. She talked about the accident and processed her feelings out loud with me, but otherwise went on being a happy 8-year old. A terrible thing happened to us, but my daughter is resilient and compassionate. All is well.

Wonder

Wonder is a feeling of surprise, mixed with admiration, caused by something unexpected. Initially the idea of being without a car for an extended period sounded awful and complicated to navigate with our busy lives. But to my surprise, I actually enjoyed having to prioritize staying at home more, walking to places instead of driving and not having a car note (just keeping it real). I also felt more environmentally responsible, decreasing my carbon footprint. If you would have asked me to voluntarily give up my car before the accident, none of this would have felt like a worthy tradeoff, but now I am actually considering putting off getting another car even longer. Everything is working out for my highest good.

Peace of Mind

Peace of mind is the state of being untroubled or without worry. While our daughter coming home abruptly was destabilizing, it caused us to sit down with her and have a tough conversation about what it means to be an adult and be responsible in the world. A conversation that quite honestly my husband and I had been avoiding and that needed to happen in order to set her on the right path. I felt relieved that the conversation took place and what needed to be said was said. The conversation also sparked a positive shift in her. Only good will come from this situation.

So, can we experience happiness in the midst of challenges, crisis or when it feels like things are falling apart? The spirit of my question isn’t if we can maintain constant happiness during these moments in life, because all emotions come and go, but instead can we find moments when we are on the happiness continuum, even though we are dealing with really hard things? I think the answer for most of us is, “yes”, happiness is accessible, even in those moments if we open ourselves up to the possibility. That’s what the mantra did for me, it helped me to access what was already there and I was able to experience gratitude, wonder and peace of mind, points on the continuum of happiness.

 What will be your "happiness anchor" for today? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Shanna B. Tiayon is a Social Psychologist (PhD), mental health expert, small business owner and freelance journalist. She writes on topics of wellbeing and the ways we may infringe upon the wellbeing of others. She was a 2022 National Magazine Award Finalist.